PinkuBentoBox

Couldn’t be arsed blogging teh animuz on thursday night, I was busy tweaking my WoW interface (damn you for getting me into this Nagi) and there were only two shows on Wednesday anyway. And by that I mean thursday since that’s when they hit in reality. Anyway I intended to do this last night but I ended up passing out and then today I was busy being the family tech support guy all day. But that’s enough whining. Today I will be talking about Clannad, Dragonaut, Ninomiya-kun, Shana II and You’re Under Arrest: Full Throttle.

Ninomiya-kun

At a glance: Generic male protagonist protects moe female lead from squads of rapist zombies.

This show has some stupid long title that probably makes sense when it’s not in moon. And probably contains a pun because as we all know, puns are the mark of quality! And Quality sure is something this show has in spades. I don’t mean that. Seriously, I think I should probably warn people of this ahead of time - this show is is quite likely to produce a very specific reaction. You’ll have your head in your hands in despair. Yes, it’s one of those shows. orz.

So, the titular character, Ninomiya-kun, finds himself in the clutches of a gang of evil classmates. Tied up. I mean, he’s tied up. And forced to grin and bear it as one of them deliberately gives him an eyeful of her no-no zone. At least, that seems to be the case since she basically implies that she’s not wearing any pantsu (that’s Japanese for panties). As is the norm for shows nowadays, they don’t actually show you any fanservice. They just tease at it. Back in my day our ecchi shows had tits everywhere and there was none of this retarded add-steam buy-the-dvds please nonsense. When we wanted our anime we would have to walk to the3 nearest internet because back then they weren’t connected. It was uphill both ways and it would always be snowing on account of the fact that global warming hadn’t happened yet and on the way we would have to step over broken VCDs and VHS tapes and when we finally got there all they would have as fucking Don’t Leave Me Alone Daisy. FUCK YOU KIDS! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN.

Ninomiya-kun does exactly what any normal high schooler would do when tied up and surrounded by high school girls who want to give him a long, hard stare at their meat curtains. He rips off the ropes binding him with his massive throbbing phallus and despoils them all pitilessly. and runs away like a little girl when confronted by a spider the size of a small cat. Sure does make sense. After dodging some traps including a log-swing that was clearly built by a cadre of Ewok Ninjas, he finds his face is quickly and thoroughly introduced to the crotch of a girl who slides out of the open hatch of a military helicopter after she freaks out because there is a whole mess of icky boys looking at her. Don’t worry sweetie, I have the same reaction to teenage boys. :V

Panties McBoobageMayu is, of course, our ‘heroine’. Which is to say she has a timid voice, no personality, and is scared of boys. She makes cute sounds a lot and blushes and is supposed to make me scream OH GOD MOE~~~~ while doing that whole flaming eyes thing and shit. An admirable effort, Japan, but I don’t think it’s working for me. It seems to do it for every male on the planet (aside from our hero, of course) because the instant they see her they turn into drooling rape zombies. Apparently she’s really a succubus, but I call shenanigans because if that was the case then she should be engaging in lewd conduct guaranteed to be TOO HOT FOR TV and get pushed into the DVD-only arena. Anyway, she ends up living with him and “hillarious” antics ensue.

I expect this series will have at least one walks-into-the-bathroom-while-she’s-naked scene, an onsen episode where they end up in mixed bathing and she has to be rescued from a gaggle of naked old men, and a beach episode where she has to be rescued from a gaggle of men in swimsuits. Every other episode she will be rescued from a gaggle of her classmates. At least thrice an episode she will accidentally flash her panties or give us a boob shot. In the end she will have to engage in an epic battle of feminine wiles against a random classmate for possession of Ninomiya’s kielbasa. What she doesn’t know is that male protagonists in shows like this are basically impotent. Guess the joke’s on her.

Sorry guys I think I just spoiled the whole show for you

Dragonaut

At a glance: gonzo makes yet another shitty show that will probably be wildly popular.

I don’t know what it is about Gonzo. They’re an extremely competent animation studio, but they seem to manage to somehow leech the soul out of anything and everything they touch. Their series end up all with the same vapid, soulless feeling, as if they have some vast animu factory and the show is assembled rather than created. It’s like there is this unspoken rule that all their series have to be exceedingly mediocre. Yet somehow they stay in business and in fact manage to thrive. People watch their trash and say it’s awesome. I’ll never understand it. Anyway, Dragonaut is bog-standard gonzotrash so I have taken the liberty of making a note of all the parts that are worth looking at.

03:50 - Exploding spaceship full of tourists. Where have I seen this before? Oh that’s right. Back in 1986.

06:31 - There’s pretty much no explanation of how our shitty main character manag–OH LOOk, BOOBS. This is the first of many sets.

07:05 - A view of the bizzaro solar system. Mars is bigger than Jupiter, Neptune is shit-brown (lol shouldn’t it be Uranus lol), Saturn is on an elliptical orbit but Uranus is not, Pluto is still a planet (!) and there is an extra one called Thanatos that is BLOOD RED AND EVIL. And on the same orbit as Neptune. There are so many Uranus jokes that I could make, but it feels like a cheap shot.

09:27 - Schoolgirls. Check out the fat dude on the left there. Chillaxing, checking out the women… all he’s missing is a can of beer.

10:07 - Boobs. These are much bigger than the previous set, though whether that is better or not depends on your worldview. She then gets up and randomly goes and takes a shower. I love anime.

12:24 - More boobs. That seatbelt sure looks uncomfortable.

13:17 - Even more boobs. Though viewed in isolation they look like an ass. Assboobs. There’s an ass in the shot before this too. Oh gonzo, you’re spoiling me!

13:37 - Naked man-ass. For the ladies.

15:39 - Stock girl-confronted-by-ravenous-monster-in-a-dark-alleyway scene. She magically decides to scream right as generic male protagonist walks past the alley, of course. The monster has some wicked looking sideburns.

20:15 - Truck hits monster and EXPLODES IN A GIANT FIREBALL. I would hate to drive a truck, they seem to be firebombs on wheels. The slightest mistake and boom, there goes a city block. Brush the curb turning the corner? Flaming death for you and all the innocent bystanders. Of course the monster is unhurt and strides out of the inferno, proving that someone at Gonzo has seen Terminator.

The ending credits mercifully kick in at 22:15 and take this cup of sorrow away from me.

You’re Under Arrest: Full Throttle

At a glance: women cops arrest criminals after chasing them down doing improbable driving stunts.

Really, I don’t know what to say here. I really like YUA. A lot of people don’t. A lot of people like Gonzo shows too, though. Seriously, if you’ve never seen YUA then you’re not going to watch this, and if you have then you probably are. There’s not much else to it.

Well, not much else except the fact that they’ve taken Kousuke Fujishima’s lovely character designs and performed a process somewhat akin to a back-alley coathanger abortion on them by giving the design responsibility to the bitch that handled Trinity Blood, so they all have these huge fucking limpid watery pools for eyes. And Miyuki looks like she’s about to cry half the time. FUCK YOU JAPAN, THANKS FOR FUCKING UP MY FUCKING SHOW.

Also, this kid is some rich dead guy’s offspring and I hope to god that he doesn’t stick around because even STRIKE MAN is less annoying. Jesus fuck if I was Miyuki and I met this little snot and some thugs were after him I’d hand him over and thank them for it. Sayuri seems to have been pulled from the cast too, which sucks because she is awesome.

Clannad

At a glance: moe~

Nothing to say. This shit is excellent and is easily the best show this season so far. Shame the broadcast is a FUCKING 4:3 CROP. Fuck you and your shitty broadcast agreements, Japan.

Oh, the ED makes me feel sad. Am I broken?

P.S. Ryou x Kyou plz kthx.

Shana II

At a glace: tsundere pettanko with flaming hair and a sword kills monsters, saves world, and is involved in a poorly written love triangle.

Yuuji: Hi guys, remember me? We met a couple of years ago. At the moment, I’m on my way to school. School is great fun. Looking forward to it! How are you liking the pretty HD broadcast? It’s quite nice, huh? Incidentally, what’s with all these Sakura petals? Did CLAMP break into J.C. Staff? I feel like I’m a two-bit character in a boys-love anime.

Ike: Hay Yuuji! How’s things bud?

Yuuji: Not bad. How about this HD broadcast? It’s pretty nice, isn’t it?

Ike: HD broadcast?

Yuuji: Nevermind. Are you still trying to pick up that shitty vapid bitch with the tits? Also, does something seem slightly strange about this episode so far?

Ike: Tits… you mean–?

Yoshida: HAY GUYS WHATS GOING ON

Ike: HAY NOT MUCH HOW R U GOING

Yuuji: You know, I’ve never really figured out what the writers were going for with the whole love-triangle thing. I’m supposed to feel attracted to this girl and everything, but she has about as much intelligence of a bag of rocks and she’s basically just a walking pair of– oooooooh.

Yoshida: MAN GUYS HOW BOUT THIS HD BROADCAST?! AT 1280×720 MY BOOBS ARE MUCH BIGGER

What-his-face: *yawns*

Yuuji: Hay guys how ’bout–

Other-guy: Too tired to talk to you. We were up late double-teaming Margery while she was drunk.

Yuuji: Isn’t she always drunk? By the way, who are you two again?

Shana: Wirhelmina, the way you’re constantly stalking me is really getting on my nerves.

Wirhelmina: I am sorry ~de arimasu. I really can’t help it ~de arimasu. I wish I could stop saying ~de arimasu at the end of every fucking sentence ~de arimasu. It’s really annoying when groups like eclipse always sub my stupid speech patterns by just shoving ~de arimasu at the end ~de arimasu.

Yuuji: Oh it’s Shana! Hi Sha–

Shana: Shut up shut up shut up! I’m not doing this show again because I like you or anything. Don’t get misunderstand okay? I was pretty happy masquerading as a pink-haired magical girl in fantasy land. I actually hate you. I certainly don’t harbour any feelings for you whatsoever. Even if you beg me to. I’m just doing this because they’re paying me a lot.

Yuuji: Eh? But didn’t you say that you–

Shana: No. Shut up. I didn’t say anything.

Yuuji: I’m sure you did. Right before you pulled that Deus Ex Machina out of your ass and mysteriously failed to die in the process despite having been told that you would if you used it. You said–

Shana: IDIOT! I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! I HAVEN’T USED THAT TECHNIQUE EVER. I HATE YOU.

Yuuji: Why are you blushing?

Shana: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Firagne: lol hay doods whats goin on in this animu lol

Marianne: i gots teh cutes voices liek dool

Firagne: lol whut

Yuuji: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

Firagne: lol no

Yuuji: OH MY FUCKING GOD I KNEW IT! WE’RE STUCK IN A FUCKING RECAP EPISODE